Moments of Pleasure

So ah want tae tell ye aboot an auld friend o mine, Walter, god rest his soul. Walter wis a quiet man, a gentleman an a gentle man. He cairried a message bag wi him aw the time ah kent him, an he wore a grey trilby hat wi a wee red feather in. He bided doon at Jock's Ludge in the same hoose he'd been born in, his faither wis lost at Passchendaele an it wis jist him an his mother till she passed the same week Lily the Pink went tae Number One. Walter knew he wis never gaunnae get mairried when he wis still at the school, he knew he wisnae like other laddies, an he accepted that, he had his mother tae think o, he wisnae gaun onywhere onyway, she needed him...

Walter led a quiet life, he served his time an took up as a draughtsman, he kept a guid gairden an he sung in the Kirk choir. His mother wisnae yin fer the Kirk, so choir practice came in handy when Walter wanted some time tae hissel, He wid take a bus up tae St James Square, ahint the Theatre Royal, there were a couple o wee bars up there that attracted theatrical sorts, that wis a word fer gay fowk back in thae days, theatricals. Anyway, sometimes he might catch somebody's eye in there, an snatch a wee bit pleasure up a back entry, if nothin wis happenin there he might take a wander up tae Register Hoose or doon tae Uncle Albert's, if it wis a nice dark night he might take a furtive stray up Calton Hill...

Walter's life wisnae that different tae many men's at the time, secretive, skulkin, constantly aware o the risks o discovery an exposure, an constantly, constantly guilty o their 'dirty secret', their dark assignations an their flashinly-brief moments o pleasure. Walter kept thae brief flashes in his memory, mental pictures tae sustain him through his quiet life. While he had his mother tae think o, they had tae suffice him fer long periods...

Lily the Pink brought an end tae aw that, an Walter saw her passin as his chance tae sort his life oot. Ye'll be expectin me tae tell ye aboot how Walter accepted his homosexuality an found comfort an joy wi anither auld sowel in a trilby hat jist like him, but afore ah get tae that ah'll take a wee digression back tae anither auld pal o mine, Robert Fergusson...

Ye'll hae heard o Robert of course, an if ye huvnae ye can stay behind efter school ya ignorant stumer. Robert Fergusson wis of course Edinburgh's Bard an Burns's Muse, he wis born up the High Street in 1750 at Cap'n'Feather Close where the North Brig Street is noo. He wis a gey unfortunate laddie, tae be sae gifted wi his pen an yet sae cursed in his mind. He suffered fae melancholy, that wis the term fer depression back then, an wid've attracted that as a diagnosis if he were here th'day. That, added tae his impressive though typical alcohol intake (nearly aw his intake wis alcohol) an his inevitable inability tae navigate a turnpike stair led tae a dunt oan the heid an his incarceration in Edinburgh's Bedlam up by the Bristo Port, where sadly he passed away oan October 16th 1774. Bedlam wisnae a place that tried awfy hard tae get ye better, it wis mair like a medieval charnel hoose that treated its inmates nae better than animals, an charged wealthy fowk admittance tae view the inmates, jist like animals...

Robert's pal an drinkin buddy Doctor Andrew Duncan, wis that pit oot wi the conditions Robert spent his last days in that he campaigned an crowdfunded an cajoled the government until they relented an gave some o the money they had thieved aff the Jacobites tae build a better hospital fer the mentally ill an that wis where the Royal Edinburgh Hospital comes intae it. This has been Edinburgh's psychiatric hospital fer ower 200 years now, an fer some periods in that time it's made a guid name fer itsel, In fact in the 1960s an 70s it wis a pioneer o the 'therapeutic community' an attracted some leadin lights tae its doors...

One man that came tae its doors wis oor Walter, fae Jock's Ludge. Now ah telt ye that Walter had thocht, efter his mother died, that it wis time he got tae grips wi his 'problem', an so he went tae his doctor, who sent him up tae the Royal Ed. Walter attended the Jordanburn Nerve Hospital, an in there Walter saw a sexologist workin at the cuttin edge o sexology, This practitioner still has a name, so ye'll no find it here, it's mair than ma job's worth tae tell ye, but believe me, this doctor wis deliverin whit he wid've cried 'international best practice', if thae three words had ever been pit th'gither back then. Here's whit he did tae Walter...

First, he got Walter tae sit in a recordin booth, an he got Walter tae recall in as much detail as he could, his past encounters wi men, in aw their sexual detail, concentratin oan the pleasurable an excitin feelins he had at the time. Walter found this bit easy, as he had re-remembered these memories ower in his heid fer as long as he could mind. Then, he wired Walters fingers up tae an electric box. Then he played Walter's recollections back tae him, an any time Walter recounted a pleasurable moment wi anither man, he zapped an electric current intae Walters hand, provokin a mildly painful spasm. Ye'll hae heard o this technique of course, it's cried Aversion Therapy an ah wid jist like tae point oot once again fer the hard o hearin, this wis seen as 'international best practice' at the time, an it wis bein cairried oot by the Scottish NHS in Edinburgh, within livin memory...

They dinnae dae Aversion Therapy in Morninside these days, maistly oan account o the fact it disnae work. At aw. Walter wis still as homosexual efter as he wis afore his 'treatment', the only change bein that he wis a homosexual man wi an involuntary twitch in the fingers o his right hand, that never left him. That wis a problem tho, fer by this time Walter wis workin at Ferrantis doon at the Crewe Toll, solderin printed circuit boards. An involuntary twitch disnae make fer a guid solderer, an soon Walter wis haein bother keepin up. He started drinkin. His work got worse. He lost his job, an the drinkin went up an up...

Walter's last years werenae any happier than his earlier yins, the drinkin got bad, he wis in an oot o the Andrew Duncan Clinic, (named fer oor Robert's Doctor/pal) until one dinnertime, efter bein dried oot fer the umpteenth time, Walter wis bein discharged an left the ward tae catch the Number 5 bus back doon tae Jock's Ludge... but while crossin the car-park, right ootside the Jordanburn Nerve Hospital where the Scottish NHS tried tae gay-cure him, Walter had a heart attack an collapsed in a puddle. He never made it hame...

Ah often think o Walter, he wis the sweetest auld man when ah kent him, some wid've cried him an auld sweetie-wife wi his message bag, sittin nursin a half pint an a wee half, lookin like he widnae say boo tae a goose. But Walter wis one o the bravest men ah ever had the pleasure tae ken. End of.