There gangs a tenner

The Eurovision Song Contest is in its mid 50s. Can ye believe it? No a wrinkle in sight. Now, ye may think it's an ugly crater, ye may think it's a bit like yer embarrasin cousin Elsie that could only get a job in the bakehoose, that turned in oan hersel an' got aw religious. Mind she widnae come oot oan bonfire night cos she felt sorry fer the guy? She wisnae bonnie...

Aye she looks a bit simple, an' she's let hersel get a bit hairy, but the Eurovision Song Contest's a beauty tae behold. She wis startit thru the idea that if ye sing th'gither, ye'll no shoot each other. Disnae aye work like that as we aw ken, but we'll gie that a bye. They were unco tired o' shootin each other back then, an' wid dae onythin fer a pairty. They were desperate. It's been a guid habit tae get intae tho. It's as naive an idea as ma auld christenin shawl, but that's no a reason fer fault. Back in 1957 it wis aw 'von Trapp' an' a bit twee, fu o' yodellin Austrians an' cheese-oan-a-stick fae the Netherlands, but ye cannae say, no efter 'Diva' an' 'Hard Rock Hallelujah' that it's no at the very least developed a sense o' irony. An' that wee bit o' self-mockery dis ye good. The fact is that we're aw daein it, fae Malta tae Iceland, fae Ireland tae Israel. It's the yin time o' year ye can put away political difference. It's only other folk, sittin roon their tellys, laughin their tits aff, fae yin end o' Europe tae the ither, jist yin Saturday night a year.

Ma ain Eurovision pairty startit wi' Sandie Shaw, wi' her classy tune 'Puppet oan a string'. It wis aye a big night in oor hoose. Ye kent that cos ye got ice-cream fae Cabarelli's. It wis the only time o' year ye got tae see Miss Katie Boyle, she obviously had history cos she wis dressed like a lamp-shade an' wis fadin away tae skin an' bone. An' whit ye've got tae mind is we sent big stars, an awright their songs were a bit cheesier than their usual, but no by much. Cliff wis giein it 'Hello Sam, Goodbye Samantha' just as much as Lulu wis 'I'm a Tiger'rrring. They were cheesy. Pop wis cheesy. Whit's yer point?

Aye folk laugh at ye. Well if they're gaunnae laugh, ah'd as raither hae it fer that than onythin serious. They still end up watchin it bye an' large, just'll no admit it.

Ah'm no gaun tae labour the point an' assault ye wi' aw ma thochts oan this year's entrys, but ah will gie ma tips at the end, fer whit they're worth. An' forbye, dinnae be thinkin ah'm gaunnae blog aboot Eurovision aw the time. It'll jist be nice, every year, when Eurovision comes roon, tae think 'oh aye, ah startit a blog so many year ago', if ah've still got ma mind that is.

Now, ah'm no a gambler, but if ah had went intae the bookies a fortnight ago an' got ma purse oot, ah widda put ma money oan Azerbaijan. An' ah wid be regretin it now, efter her tepid performance in the Semi-final. Ower-rehearsed an' self-conscious, Safura's likely lost whit wis hers tae win, wi' a great tune, an' aw the help that money could buy. Ah cannae see her in the top 5 now, an' there goes ma tenner.

Ah think we're now lookin at a German win, an' mibbe that's as well, seein as how they'll be the only country that can afford it next year. Lena's awready been number 1 aw ower the continent, it's a sweet wee tune. Ah can see Norway makin it top 5, Didrik's the maist likely o' the power ballads tae hit the notes. That Israeli guy Milim wis flat as a pancake th'night. Belgium hae another contemporary entry, an' if Tom Dice cairrys it aff, they'll make the 5. The biggest performance dividend ah wid gie tae Portugal. The song's straight doon the middle, but the lassie can belt it, an' she's sittin pretty, third fae last, a great position. Ah'm aware they're aw western countries, so tae balance it ah've gaun fer Armenia tae fill the top 5. That's no true, ah love their song, it's the dark horse o' the contest. Ethnic but awfy catchy. Gets ye a bit misty tae, aw lovin yer motherland, an' plantin things, warm feelins. Bless.

Whit ah dinnae see in the top 5 is UK an' Josh Dubonnet. Ah dinnae think Pete Waterman's seen the show fer donkeys, judgin by his reaction oan the telly th'night. Ah dinnae think he grasped the possibility, an' that's a shame. He's no done hissel ony favours an' we'll be lucky tae be aff the flairheid. Bottom 5 ah say.

Whitever happens, it'll be a great night. It aye is.